Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Today I Meet Bradley Cooper!!

Ok, no. I am not meeting Bradley Cooper today. But, I totally made you look, didn't I? I mean, who better to get you girls here than him?

WAIT! Don't go!!!

I have a point...just keep reading...

Moms. How many times have you gone grocery shopping in your pajamas? Don't lie! I know there are some of you that have. Hell, I've seen some in my grocery store.

Now, how many of you have run into someone while you were out running a quick, no-one-will-see-me errand while looking like you've just been the drop cloth for your child's Thanksgiving feast? Go ahead...I'm raising my hand, too.

Well, I'm drawing the line. I want you to do it, too.

Being a mom is hard. I get it. We can't always primp and fuss like we're going to the Oscars. We don't have the time between feeding and cleaning and working and everything else. Or do we? I think we just aren't allowing ourselves the time. Admit it.

The truth is, when you look better, you feel better and when you feel better, you are happier. When you are happier, guess what? The people around you will be happier, too. FACT.

So, here's what I want you to do. I want you to think before you leave the house. What if I run into (insert celebrity of your choosing here)? Is it possible? Yes. Probable? Who knows?! I live very near to Bradley Cooper's hometown. What if he's visiting the area? What if he happens to be at Starbucks when I stumble in with my torn concert tee and paint splattered jeans? And...*GASP*...no makeup.


Solution? If you don't like it, fix it. I'm not suggesting to go spend all your dough prettying up for something that may never happen. I'm unemployed right now. Not the best time to redo my wardrobe. But, don't be shy about spending a little cash on yourself. You DESERVE it. Did you hear that?

Moving on.

Get your hair done. Cut it. Color it. Do whatever makes you keep from yanking it back into that godawful ponytail you put it in every day.

Raid your closet. Get rid of what doesn't look right and build on what does. If it doesn't fit, get rid of it. If you have no clue what looks good, spend some time watching What Not To Wear on TLC. These people know their stuff. You don't have to be an expert. All you have to do is put a little effort in. Be smart...I can still shop the clearance racks and find good stuff. I just spend a few extra minutes. And I do NOT take the kids with me when I shop.

I'm not talking drastic changes here. One of my items to check off my list is improving my posture. I'm much more conscious of how I'm sitting and standing. No more slouching. No more rounded shoulders and looking defeated all the time. Small steps will lead to giant leaps. Tackle what you can, when you can.

So, maybe you don't have to always pretend you are going to run into a celebrity. But, it's very possible that you could run into SOMEONE. Someone you once knew. Someone you once dated. Someone that may have an impact on your life in the future..personally or professionally.

You aren't just a mom. Take care of yourself. Every day.

And for being a good sport and reading all this after I teased you with Bradley Cooper, I can at least offer you this...

Sunday, July 10, 2011

How NOT to Start Your Vacation

Today was Day 1 of our annual vacation to the Outer Banks in North Carolina. Today is also the first day that I was wishing I was Kendall from "this is not that blog" so that I could illustrate our debacle of a trip with the utter hilarity I know I should see in it.
Let me preface this by noting my anxiety issues. I often joke that I have loads of OCD issues, but the past few years have pushed them to the forefront of my being. These issues go straight to my stomach.

Duly noted.

We embark on our trip at 3:30am and I remark on how awesome it is that I am so comfortable with the way we (Read: me, myself and I) packed everything this year. I have no worries in the fact that I did my best and anything that we may have forgotten can be easily bought.

YAY ME! I am making progress! Life is a highway and I want to ride it all night long!

And so, this is where I have jinxed the rest of the ride for my sanity.
If you ever want to know how long a 4 year old will talk, go on a long drive. How about 8 hours? Does that sound good to you?

Mommy, I had a dream do you want to hear my dream or should I just tell you at the beach when are we going to get there this is so fun I can't wait to see the beach remember last year when Daddy bought me cheese and crackers and I didn't eat them because I won't need them this year because you have snacks.
Cut to me doing my deep breathing only 10 minutes into the trip.

She started asking "Are we there, yet" at 5am. One and a half hours into our eight hour trip.

Cut to me with my head in my hands. (Read: MAKE IT STOP)
Let's skip ahead…to about 7am when I give the kids the wholesome snack of ripe green grapes. Good job, Mom, I say, to pack such a good snack that they love.

Cut to half an hour later when the 4 year old throws up her grapes. Somehow, she even managed to catch half of it in her hands.

Kudos to you, Emma.

My husband reacts quickly by pulling off to the side of the road and hands me an empty coffee cup for the…ahem…remains. I pull her out of the car to change her shirt and clean her up. Smart of me to pack an extra outfit and wipes close at hand, right?
Cut to Emma screaming cleanup demands. "Get this shirt OFF OF ME!!" and "It's on my hands! Get it OFF MY HANDS!!" and my favorite, "Mommy, get this stuff OUT OF MY HAIR!!"
By now I realize that we are standing directly on top of what must be the biggest ant family reunion in history as I am shaking them off the puke cup, swiping them off my shoes and swatting them from our skin.

As I am the final stages of cleanup, a near ten minutes on the side of the road, I see a man with a lovely pink shirt (read: blouse) and a homeless beard yelling something at me. Something about a "tah-er".
"I'm sorry. I can't hear you over the high-speed traffic, sir, but my, that string of pearls you are wearing is lovely." And while I am realizing that he is asking me if we have a flat "tah-er", I am also realizing that he must have forgotten to put his teeth in today.

Kudos, to you, sir, for caring enough to run across the highway to find out if we were okay.

After getting back on the road, Emma finally passes out for about ten whole heavenly minutes until she wakes up again. And makes us stop three times to go potty. Three times that she didn't even go.


So, here I am, breathing my way to a zen-like existence, hoping that maybe, just maybe, I can get some eggs and toast and some tea to calm my nerves. Which are now shot to hell.

And then. My husband. Stopped at....wait for it.......Subway.